What Is Shame?

Shame is often confused with guilt, but the two are very different. Guilt is usually linked to a specific action — something we feel bad about doing. For example, someone may feel guilty for lying or making a mistake. Shame, on the other hand, goes deeper. It is a feeling about who we are rather than what we have done. It can lead to thoughts such as “I am not good enough” or “There is something wrong with me.”

Because shame is so personal and intense, many people avoid talking about it. It can feel uncomfortable, overwhelming, and even physically distressing. Shame can develop from a variety of experiences, many of which begin early in life.

For some individuals, it may stem from difficult childhood environments, such as inconsistent caregiving, emotional neglect, or criticism. These experiences can lead to a belief that one is inherently flawed or not worthy. Shame can also be reinforced during key life stages, such as adolescence or early adulthood, where identity and self-worth are still developing.

Experiences during these periods can significantly influence confidence and self-perception. Often, people are not aware that their current struggles — such as anxiety, relationship difficulties, or low self-esteem — may be linked to underlying feelings of shame.

Temporary vs. Prolonged Shame

Not all shame is the same. Some experiences of shame are temporary and linked to specific situations. These feelings usually pass over time and are easier to manage.

However, prolonged shame is more deeply rooted. It is often linked to past experiences, especially from childhood, such as trauma, neglect, or negative relationships.

This type of shame can affect how individuals see themselves for years, influencing confidence, relationships, and emotional well-being. Working through prolonged shame requires time, patience, and often professional support.

How Shame Affects Behaviour and Emotions?

Shame can have a strong impact on how individuals think, feel, and behave. Some people may withdraw from relationships or avoid situations where they feel exposed or judged. Others may respond with anger, defensiveness, or perfectionism in an attempt to protect themselves.

In some cases, individuals may develop coping strategies such as emotional detachment, dissociation, or even self-harm to manage overwhelming feelings. While these behaviours may provide temporary relief, they do not address the underlying emotional pain. Understanding these patterns is an important step toward healing.

The Role of Therapy in Addressing Shame

Therapy provides a safe and supportive space to explore shame without judgment.

Dr Jess Walker emphasises that shame should not be avoided in therapy. Instead, it needs to be addressed directly and compassionately. When individuals are able to explore their feelings openly, they can begin to understand where their shame comes from and how it affects their lives.

Therapists use different approaches — such as psychodynamic therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), and compassion-focused therapy — to help individuals build awareness, develop emotional skills, and create healthier ways of coping. An important part of this process is helping individuals understand that shame is a part of their experience, not their identity.

Learning to Manage and Heal from Shame

Healing from shame is a gradual process that involves building self-awareness, emotional understanding, and self-compassion.

Therapists often help individuals develop a “soothing system” — a way to calm emotional responses and feel safe in their own experience. Techniques such as grounding exercises, deep breathing, and emotional reflection can help individuals manage overwhelming feelings.

Over time, individuals can learn to recognise their emotional triggers, respond more calmly, and build a healthier relationship with themselves.

Why Addressing Shame Matters

Ignoring shame can allow it to shape thoughts, behaviours, and relationships in subtle but powerful ways.

By addressing shame, individuals can:

• Improve self-esteem and confidence.
  
• Build healthier relationships.
  
• Develop better emotional awareness.
  
• Reduce anxiety and emotional distress.
  
• Break unhelpful behavioural patterns.
  

Working through shame allows individuals to move from self-criticism to self-understanding and growth.

Final Thoughts

Shame is a deeply human experience, but it does not have to define who you are. With the right support, awareness, and compassion, it is possible to understand and work through these feelings.

Therapy plays an important role in helping individuals explore their experiences, develop emotional resilience, and build a more balanced and positive sense of self.

By acknowledging shame and addressing it directly, individuals can begin a journey of healing, growth, and self-acceptance.

Next Steps

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